I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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