i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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