If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
