easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
