I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
