Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
