it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
