There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
