I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize