We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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