My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
