Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I faked an abortion last night.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
