He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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