I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
