You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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