It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
