Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
