if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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