1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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