So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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