I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
