sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
