The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize