Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
