He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
