She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I didn't notice because vodka
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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