also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
it hurts more in the daytime
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
