dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
