and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
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Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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