dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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