im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
