I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
