I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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