There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
