just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
