What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
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It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
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Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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