I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
