There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
