we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
