I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize