dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
