I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
