I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
