he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
