I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
And then my night got REAL pukey
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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