Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
