Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
