Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
