Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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