My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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