i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
