Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
