I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
