So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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