after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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